So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
