I faked an abortion last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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