Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
