You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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