My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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