Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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