Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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