it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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