I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
