Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
