So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
