im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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