Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just tell him i said nine months
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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