My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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