I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
