Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
