I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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