he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
