so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
