I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
