Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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