We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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