I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
