i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
