you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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