please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
