My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize