The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The police scanner is talking about you again....
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
