The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
