everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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