Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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