I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
