my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
