I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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