I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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