She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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