Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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