It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
