Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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