Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
