Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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