Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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