Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
