i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
