Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
