You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize