Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
