I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize