guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
