Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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