just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize