Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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