woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
