I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
