I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
