how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
