So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
