Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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